The Hidden Logic of Stonewalling

The Hidden Logic blog series offers a deep exploration into the psychology underpinning relationship patterns and behaviours, investigating their psychological functions and the potential root causes in childhood experience.

Have you ever been in a disagreement with a partner, only to have them suddenly go completely silent? Not just needing a moment to cool down, but a deliberate, total withdrawal? Perhaps they stare blankly, walk out of the room, or give you nothing but monosyllabic grunts, refusing to engage in the conversation you desperately need to have.

This common, yet devastating, technique is known as stonewalling. Much like its cousin, gaslighting, it is a subtle but destructive form of emotional abuse and a behaviour that tears at the foundations of trust and intimacy.

The Mechanism: What Stonewalling Looks Like

Stonewalling is not simply taking five minutes to calm down. It is a chronic and absolute refusal to communicate, particularly during conflict. It is called "stonewalling" because the person effectively becomes a brick wall, emotionally and verbally impenetrable.

In a relationship, it presents as:

• The Silent Treatment: Cutting off all verbal interaction for extended periods, often days.

• Minimal Engagement: Responding with grunts, "Mmm," or flat non-sequiturs that signal a total lack of interest or acknowledgement.

• Evasive Behaviour: Changing the subject, ignoring your questions, or physically leaving the room without warning or a commitment to return to the discussion.

• Staring Down: Maintaining a passive, unmoving facial expression and avoiding eye contact, essentially treating you as if you are not there.

This behaviour is a powerful way for the stonewaller to exert control and withhold emotional connection, which can be just as painful as any harsh word.

A Maladaptive Power Play

Why do people stonewall? While a refusal to engage can occasionally stem from a feeling of being emotionally flooded (a genuinely overwhelming physical reaction to conflict), when it becomes a consistent, go-to tactic, its purpose shifts. Chronic stonewalling is almost always about power and avoidance.

1. To Avoid Accountability: The most immediate logic is to shut down any conversation that requires the stonewaller to take responsibility for their actions or feelings. By refusing to participate, they effectively veto the entire conflict and make it impossible to resolve.

2. To Punish and Control: Silence is used as a weapon. The stonewaller knows that their withdrawal is distressing. By withholding communication, they punish their partner for initiating a difficult topic, implicitly teaching them that if they raise a complaint, the connection will be severed.

3. To Maintain Superiority: In their mind, the argument becomes beneath them. They adopt a position of cool, collected non-reaction, implicitly casting their partner as the hysterical, emotional, or "over-reacting" one. This allows them to feel emotionally superior and avoid the messy vulnerability of a true partnership.

   
   

In essence, the stonewaller is saying: "I will not let you affect me, and I will not allow your feelings to matter."

Why They Are Drawn to Each Other

The dynamic between the stonewaller and the "stonewalled" (the person on the receiving end) is rarely random. It is an alignment of two distinct psychological needs and coping mechanisms that, tragically, fit together like a lock and key.

The Psychodynamics of Attraction

The most compelling explanation for this painful pairing lies in attachment theory which describes how our early relationships with caregivers shape our adult romantic bonds.

The stonewaller often exhibits a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. Their core fear is emotional engulfment, loss of independence, and deep intimacy. Their strategy is to deactivate the attachment system by prioritising self-sufficiency, distance, and withdrawal.

The stonewalled person often exhibits an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. Their core fear is abandonment, being unloved, and disconnection. Their strategy is to hyper-activate the attachment system by pursuing, demanding connection, and becoming intensely distressed when the partner withdraws.

In this scenario, the anxious partner's pursuit triggers the avoidant partner's need for space, and the avoidant partner's withdrawal triggers the anxious partner's deepest fear of abandonment. Each person’s coping mechanism fuels the other’s, creating a vicious cycle where one runs and the other chases.

Complementary Childhood Scripts

Both individuals may carry painful "scripts" learned in childhood that draw them together:

• The Stonewaller's Script (The Withdrawer): They may have learned that emotional expression or conflict is unsafe or futile, often due to an emotionally absent or volatile caregiver. Their unconscious belief is: "If I am quiet, I am safe. If I let you in, I will be hurt or overwhelmed."

• The Stonewalled's Script (The Pursuer): They often experienced inconsistent love, teaching them they must constantly work for connection. Their unconscious belief is: "If I push hard enough, I can break through the wall and finally earn the connection I need." They are unconsciously reenacting a desperate struggle to gain attention from an emotionally unavailable figure.

  
  

Psychological Defense Mechanisms at Play

Stonewalling is a deeply ingrained psychological defense mechanism aimed at protecting the self from perceived danger:

• For the Stonewaller: The silence often involves dissociation, a shutdown of the nervous system when genuinely overwhelmed (emotionally flooded). This protects them from intolerable feelings like shame or guilt.

• For the Stonewalled: Their intense pursuit is a form of projective identification, where they are desperately trying to project their feelings of rage and chaos onto the stonewalled to force a response, making the stonewaller feel the desperation they are experiencing.

  
  

Screaming Into a Void

The psychological impact of being stonewalled is severe and deeply distressing.

For the receiving partner, stonewalling creates a sense of isolation and invalidation. It is the ultimate form of emotional abandonment. You are left feeling as though you are screaming into a void, desperate for a response that never comes. This leads to:

• Intense Frustration and Despair: The conflict can never be resolved, leaving you stuck in a painful cycle.

• Self-Doubt: You start to question if your emotions are too "much" or if you are being too demanding, leading you to minimise your own needs.

• Emotional Escalation: Paradoxically, the stonewaller’s withdrawal often causes the partner to push harder, yell, or plead, which the stonewaller then uses as "proof" that they had to withdraw in the first place.

Healthy relationships require a commitment to dialogue, even when it is uncomfortable. If you are consistently faced with a silent wall, you are not in a dialogue; you are in a situation of emotional control.

Recognising this unacceptable behaviour is an important step. Setting firm boundaries around what respectful communication looks like, and seeking professional help, whether through individual therapy or counselling, is essential for reclaiming your self-worth and emotional stability.